Name:Stefan Titanowics, Baron of Lodz


How old are you?
Mental age: 7
Actual age: Five hundred and thirty ish. Or something like that. I can't really remember. My birthday's in January if you want to buy me a present...

What's your height?
Of what? I'm between 5' 10" and 5' 10.5". On a horse I'm considerably taller.

Are you a virgin?
I don't think I've ever been a virgin. Let's see...
First there was Anna, then there was that Italian girl with the funny lips, Elspeth was quite nice, the French girl was a bit nuts, Ingrid tried to sell me to pirates, Genette turned out to be a man called Peter but that turned out okay in the end, Helen did this thing with cheese that you'd really like...
This may take a while.
My record is somewhat...full.
What?!
I'm friendly!

Do you have any kids?
Had loads. Probably still do somewhere. Unfortunately my children were born quite a while ago now and...aren't around anymore.

What's your favourite flavour of ice cream?
Well.
I like rum and raisin when I'm driving. Chocolate is best when watching a really good film. Vanilla is a little dull.
Anything by Ben and Jerry.
I like Tom and Jerry. Can we still like that? Or isn't it PC enough now?

Have you killed anyone?
Some people yes. Mostly Germans. Not proud of it.

Do you hate anyone?
Me. God no! I'm a lover, not a hater. Although I'm not too keen on Germans.

Have any secrets?
I'm one great big secret. Until I appear in Hello. Then I have no secrets. I do have a lot of secrets but I'm not going to tell you

Do you love anyone?
My ex-wife Baz. He's nice. Although that's a little complicated and involves a bender in Vegas

What is your job?
I'm currently employed as a multi-billionaire and lay-about. Other people work and I interfere.

Boy or girl?
Sometimes both. I prefer girls when I look like a boy and boys when I look like a girl. Again that's complicated. I like to keep my options open.

What do you think your life expectancy is?
If my PA reads this and finds out I'm not actually doing anything....6 minutes.
Technically I'll live forever

If you were stuck in a deserted island with one person, who would it be?
Baz. As long as we had a power supply, a TV and an Xbox. Although I do have to say I would like to be stuck on a desert island with someone with a fueled helicopter and an ice lolly.

What would make you really happy right now?
A dog with a poofy tail. I like dogs.

What has been the scariest moment of your life?
Being in ameeting with a bunch of vampires that were turned in the 80s. Gaah. Terrifying and, in some ways, yuppy-tastic. Still gives me nightmares.

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?
I can change anything. But if I could change anything about my life I'd say that I would like to be Chinese. No reason. Just fancy a change.

What is your dream job?
Me. I already have my dream job. I'm an obscenely rich aristocrat with a car collection. What else could I want?

What are your special skills/what are you good at?
I can make a good cup of tea. I can't really do much. I excell at texting.

Who was the first person you remember caring for more than yourself?
My mum and my sisters. And I had an passing regard for Stan. My dad. We didn't get on. He had no sense of humour.

Do you enjoy the internet, or find it a necessary evil? Why?
The internet is brilliant with all the people and the words and the pictures. Why wouldn't I like it? Have you seen my website yet? It's stefanisnottoblame.com if you're interested

What do you think of your creator?
Gimp. Armin Freak Vis. What a great person he is... I've never met anyone that irritating. And selfish. Did I mention that he's mind-numbingly selfish. And rude. I can't stand that man.